Unrealistic - For Brandon

Why? Just, why? I can mourn your death, but I am still so angry with you. Why did you choose this? Why did you leave us? Your sister is distraught each night, thinking of you, even though nearly two months has passed. No one seems to realize how much this hurts me as well. I still cannot believe that its real, that you're truly gone. Maybe I'll realize it at my birthday party, or Christmas, or Jessie or Jack's birthday. Maybe not until your birthday, or your death day.
I know that you are dead. I have seen you dead in a casket. I have seen your ashes sink into a grave. I have left a flower for you. I have joined a memorial. I wear your jacket. I watch my brother ride your bike. The remembrance card marking your death sets in my bedroom. The white ribbons from the funeral that read "Beloved Nephew & Cousin" rest on my desk. I have screamed at the top of my lungs that you are dead and gone and not coming back!
But I still can't believe that its real…
Each night, I dream. Before I knew details, my dreams were filled with you. Your smiles, your laughs. Soon, they were your sadness, your scowls, your tears, and your pain that drove you to this point. Then I saw you lay motionless in a casket. I imagined you just asleep and getting up, stepping out of your casket and laughing at all of us for your silly joke. Eventually, I began thinking about how you did it. Did you drink yourself dead? Did you over dose? Did you suffocate yourself with the car exhaust? Did you take a saw from the wall and bleed? What did you do? I played through every scenario, watching you from the side, so helpless and unable to speak or move, unable to stop you…
These dreams plagued my mind endlessly. So much hurt and fear consumed me until I asked my mother what you had done. She gave me my answer. But dreams continued.
I watched you ready the rope. I watched you climb on the work bench, or the car, or the shelf. I watched you slide the rope around your neck. I saw you flinch and ready yourself. I saw a tear roll down your cheek. I saw you lick your chapped lips and jump. Or did you fall? I see your body shake and twitch as you can't breath and your spine breaks. I wonder if, in that one moment, you have any regrets. That moment of pain and realization… did you want to turn back?
I see this every night, from different angles, different ways. I imagine being in the position your grandmother was in, walking into the garage without a care to simply move around the cars… and see you hanging there.
These dreams torture me.
Do you regret this now? As you watch over us from Heaven or Hell? Do you regret hurting us so badly as you see how many people care about you? How much we are all hurting? How selfish you were!
You're gone, but it doesn't seem real…